Mental Illness My Hidden Adversary

It’s a quarter to five and I am exhausted…

However, seems the old thing of wanting to write about something so bad I can’t do anything else has returned. I don’t know what this post will be. I have a rough idea of what I want to talk about. Of what I want out of my head.

There are a few posts like this scattered around the site. Pretty much anything in the life category. It may add some context to what ends up in this one.

I have recently found something that is working. I have found an answer to a problem that I didn’t let myself see. I am a person suffering from mental illness. I am a person who has been suffering from mental illness for half my life or more. I knew I was sick I knew things were not normal I knew I was unhappy. What I did not let myself know is that it was all in my head. Not in a dismissive way, not in an imaginary way, but in an actual, quantifiable, so obvious why couldn’t I see it way.

I suppose it is a standard story. It was inconceivable for ME to be mentally ill. To be depressed to have anxiety. How could I, a white male from an upper middle class family, who had little to no responsibility or obvious stress be depressed. How could I, a person living in the USA, who was not a member of any oppressed minority group dare be depressed. What right did I have? I’m not living in some third world country struggling to survive. I’m not a person of color trying to deal with all of the systemic racism that exists in this country. I’m Jewish but I live in NYC, USA pretty much the furthest thing from a hotbed of anti-semitic activity.

Suck it up, I would tell myself, stop being a failure, stop being such a disappointment to your family. Other people have it worse, you can’t feel this way, It is all physical once you solve that you’ll feel better. I didn’t even think mental health was a thing. I didn’t believe in it for myself and for others. It wasn’t a real disease. How very very wrong I was.

I had tried antidepressants in the past but I didn’t see them the right way. For years I have been suffering from literal 24/7 nausea. That feeling you get right before your gag reflex triggers and you heave or start to vomit? That feeling is with me every waking moment. I went to every type of doctor under the sun to figure it out. Just about every specialist. No answers.

Maybe I wasn’t articulating the symptoms well enough, maybe nausea is such a general thing it can’t be figured out. The antidepressants didn’t fix my nausea problem so I threw them away. I also never went to a mental health professional. I was taking pills without any proper guidance or support.

I don’t know what causes the nausea. I don’t know if it is the cause of my mental illness or if my mental illness is the cause of it. I do know that they are linked. That each has stopped me from being able to treat the other. I was in a boxing match with an arm tied behind my back.

A couple of months ago I finally broke through the anxiety and told my doctor enough for him to suspect mental illness. He gave me a quiz and I scored the equivalent of an 8. Severe depression. I had been seeing him for years telling him about my nausea problem. He never suspected, he was floored, he felt like a failure for not recognizing it sooner. I was that good at hiding it.

He prescribed Paxil, stressing that I should seriously seek specialist intervention. I took the pills, they weren’t really working. I still did not seek the help I needed. He then prescribed Cymbalta. It has been a month and I think it is working. I am on my way out. I have an appointment next week to start the ball rolling at a clinic.

For years I kept screaming to the sky,”GIVE ME ANSWER, GIVE ME A DIAGNOSIS, GIVE ME SOMETHING TO FIGHT!” It’s sick to say, but I envied cancer patients. I envied people with the most horrible conditions imaginable. I envied them because at least they had an answer, they knew what they were fighting. Now I know what I am fighting, now I have allowed myself to see the hidden enemy. I am fighting mental illness. I am finally starting the war that has gone too long unnoticed. I am fighting the monster that has robbed me of so much of my life. I’ll be damned if I let it take any more.

The Mask I Wear

For you to understand I wear a mask
Is all that I ask

Everyday I give my all
Not to let the mask fall.

It is the battle eternal
The battle internal.

I am forever tested
At times I am bested.

Despite giving my all
The mask will fall.

I do not mean for you to know
What I am like brought low.

The stress of the fight
Leads me to bite.

The effort of the battle
May sometimes rattle.

I may lash out
Or thrash about.

If I may offend
It is not what I intend.

I am fighting the battle inside
So please with me abide.

Old habits die hard. Sorry for anything.

So it has been a little over two months since the last update. I should have stuck to livejournal at least with that failure to update isn’t a waste of money. Like I said somewhere can’t remember if it was the split second vlog or a text post or maybe to someone but I said somewhere that for a while in the spring I went crazy from some medication I was taking for my highly debilitating medical condition and during that time it was if I was on speed for about a month and half. Also during that time I bought this website. I was moving too fast at the time to do anything with it but as I slowed down from the speed of light to the speed of sound, I slapped WordPress on the thing thinking it would make updates super easy and allow me to constantly chuck content.

That was the plan. Now it’s the fall and I am feeling just as sick or sicker than I have ever felt before. That medication turned me into something that I wasn’t. It made me into an obnoxious raving lunatic and I am sure I blew whatever reputation or opinions of me to hell. No matter how good it made me feel I will never go through that again. I will never subject myself and those around me to that person again. The worst part is that at the time I thought I was finally cured after so long. That it was finally over. Instead the lows are deeper after experiencing such highs. Around two months ago is when it all came back fully.

I’ve spent that time struggling with it and pushing hard again with my doctor to finally kill it once and for all. No answers yet though. Half the time I’m feeling like I’m crazy because no one can find out what’s wrong with me. Is it all in my head? Is it physical? Is it both? No idea. It just never ends and it keeps eating my days away.

The reason for this post is to apologize publicly and openly for anything I may have said or done when I was fucked up in the spring and anything I didn’t do or say over the summer. I keep thinking back over the last handful of months and I get embarrassed and anxious. None of that was me. I don’t even know if I did anything that bad in anyone’s mind but in my own I did. So again if I offended you or did anything over that time I am truly deeply sorry.

That concludes the Life portion of the post now comes the Site News part.

My Xbox died which led to that means for content to go with it. Financial situation has not allowed me to buy a new one until now so look forward to more reviews let’s plays and stack attacking. Yes I know half of the stack was PS2 games but that’s a different story. I’ll be posting the rest of the Charlies over the next week or two mostly for completions sake. Whether they are worthwhile or not I don’t know but at the very least they trigger some happier memories for me sometimes.

And another thing. The FYE membership thing that I praised so highly turned into a ripoff. They don’t tell you about the thirteen bucks that they charge your credit card every month and the magazines were never free. I think that’s it.

In case you are wondering punctlibrium is short for punctuated equilibrium. The evolutionary theory that there are long periods of EQUILIBRIUM that are PUNCTUATED with births of growth. So I guess not updating this place for two months is very much in the spirit of the name. I’ll see if I can’t make it kinda ironic soon.

Thanks for reading leave a comment if you wish. Would like to know if I’ve made up in a small way for what I have done.

Sincerely,
The Breakfast Club
Daniel J. Agman

Oh bloody hell prelude to the blog 4

OK so I thought I was done uploading but turns out blip auto rejects any file larger than a gig and vegas spat out a horribly audio desynched monster.

currently trying to render a video that is under a gig that will take like 4 hours and then uploading will take like another 4 hours and if it wasn’t for the fact that I put so much goddamn effort into this thing I would just scrap it all together.

fuck fuck fuck well live and learn but goddamn

Prelude to the vlog 3

Ok so vegas finally rendered the vlog for the second time. Yes the second time because the first resulted in a double vlog. It somehow put two copies back to back. So now I have one video with one copy of the one vlog. So why isn’t it up yet I hear you scream? Blip.tv either hates my laptop or vice versa. I can’t access any blip no views no ups no downs. At first I thought they blocked my IP but they say no. So a big ol Wtf on that.

Hopefully, it’ll all be worth it in the end. At the very least i’m learning stuff.

edit 5:12 my laptop’s wifi card had to be reset and now after that, blip works. buuuut my ISP sucks and it will take like 4.5 hours to upload.

10 MINUTE CHUNKS OF ME IS ALL YOU’RE GETTING FROM NOW ON. uch man if I had a time machine I’d become my own grandfather then try to teleport myself to a desert island so I don’t buy this webspace.
DNA we miss you 42 my frood 42

Prelude to the vlog

um so sort of got an hour of me talking about split/second playing it and talking about comics and tv shows and stuff. also talked about what I did this weekend. I was at LordKat’s meetup on saturday. the beginning of the vlog mentions that I was there the dude in the blue shirt with the beard and longish hair in the pics. unfortunately, the video kinda messes up there. wow this video is really messed up here and there. i go slow motion a lot. I am going to be putting it up for the fuck of it. um let me know which parts are too messed up to understand I will re say parts.

Djaggerton Report Pilot

This is one of the videos I was talking about.  A lot of the pricing information on the Radio Shack stuff is totally exaggerated and if you were to pick apart every little thing I said you will find some inaccuracies.  Basically take it as a preview more than anything else.  Also whatever was posted here after 4/20/2010 is my current opinions and outlook.

Djaggerton Report Pilot

Took some videos for this site about a month ago…

Thought they were great at the time, realized now that if I ever posted them, I would either lose all credibility or have people flock to me not unlike a car wreck.  Yes there are some good things in the videos but then I ruin it a second later.  Around that time I was on a drug called Reglan.  The good thing about it, is that it sort of resets your body so that you feel healthier.  The bad side, and woah hoah nelly is it a bad side, is that you behave like a cracked out howler monkey for a while.  It was under the influence of this medication that I first bought the domain and hosting for this very site.  I also racked up a huge credit card bill, lost many things I spent lots of money on, and freaked out my loved ones.  As you can probably guess, fun times were had by all.

What this means for the site, is that I now have slightly less content to load up on here.  I still have a metric fuck ton of content however, especially if I stagger it out.  What I am planning on doing is to take the time from now until June 1st to fix the site up.  Basically, I will be playing with the word-press theme, putting up samples of what content I hope to bring etc..

As it stands right now, I and many other employees and students of CSI are bogged down with the end of the semester.  In whatever free time I have I will be playing around with what I mentioned above.  Hopefully, I will not be the only one contributing to this site.  There are a lot of people I know that are pretty charismatic that when in the same room together make for a very entertaining time.

If you know of any quick word press editing tutorials or tips I would greatly appreciate it if you would point me towards them.  I am very much hopeful for a great June 1st launch.

With that out of the way here is what else I have been doing since last update:

I am still playing Split/Second.  Yes it is still amazing if not more so.  I am trying to 100% beat it because you get awesome cars that you need in order to be competitive online.  It is also very challenging.  The time trials are killing me I am always a half second off and it is a good old fashioned controller hurling challenge that I hope to make headway in if not complete before Blur comes out on Tuesday.

Last night my family decided to go for a diner run as we usually do.  This time however, we ended up in Philly.  After driving through…shall we say the more seedier areas, I with the power of Android found an almost closing Philly Steak shack that was delicious.

So I am once again sleepless and soon heading out to LordKat’s Until We Win meetup which is over at Midtown Comics 40th and 7th in Manhattan.

So a little more playing around with the site maybe posting the one or two videos that are coherant and then off to the ferry I go.

Stay Tuned