Charlie the 13 Year Old Poser Satanist Episode 2 Director’s Cut

It’s time again for another DC of CTYOPS. Aren’t abbreviations fun? From what I can remember, this episode was written shortly after the first and tried to get a little more of that character sheet stuff in there with the gerbil ritual. It’s still early days and you can see here the beginnings of what would later become a staple of the series. If I wasn’t totally committed (and some people say I should be after reading these things) to bringing each episode back, I would skip to the ones that are better but I suppose if I were to fully ride this nostalgia train I gotta ride it from the start of the line. So here is episode 2

Charlie the Thirteen-Year-Old Poser Satanist:
Episode 2 – The Nightly Gerbil Massacre Interrupted

Every Sunday, Charlie takes a walk to his local pet store to pick up gerbils. The pet storeowner is a greedy balding man who does not really care what Charlie does with the gerbils. He doesn’t care that Charlie’s gerbils don’t survive the week; all he cares about is his business. Seymour tells Charlie that all hardcore Satanists do nightly rituals and if he ever wants to be like the other kids, he’ll have to do rituals as well. This is where the gerbils come in…

“Seymour I know that all Satanists perform rituals every night but do you think I could do one that’s a bit less disgusting I mean I doubt the gerbils enjoy being flayed alive and stuffed into jars.
“Listen kid you should consider yourself lucky most real Satanists do their rituals with goats and pigs, too bad the pet store doesn’t sell anything bigger than these gerbils.
“You’re right Seymour I’m sorry I’ll get started right away now where did I put my scalpel…”
“Yeah yeah now hurry up your Dad might come up for one of them awkward bondage talks.”
“Bonding Seymour not bondage…ah here’s that scalpel…”
“Bonding bondage same difference now hurry up or I’ll bite your finger off.”
“You wouldn’t do that Seymour.”

MEANWHILE DOWNSTAIRS, CHARLIE’S DAD HAS JUST FINISHED WATCHING A 20/20 SPECIAL ON CHILD DRUG ABUSE AND SUDDENLY FEELS THE URGE FOR A FATHER SON TALK…

“Crap put the stuff away I hear your Dad coming up the stairs.”
“Oh no I better hurry I don’t think he’ll buy the biology class story again.”

CHARLIES FATHER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND COMES IN NOT WAITING FOR A RESPONSE…

“Son I think it’s time we have another of our father son talks.”
“Ok Dad what’s up?”
“Well son I was just watching 20/20 and Barbara Walters was on there talking about drugs and well son you don’t do drugs right, I mean you can be honest with me.”
“Nope no drugs Dad.”
“That’s good son its good that you don’t do drugs. I know you go to that public school down the lane there…you know you can just say no if somebody asks, you right. Just because everybody else is doing something doesn’t mean you have to also.”
“I know Dad, don’t worry I’m to smart and individualistic to go along with what those stupid drug people say. Besides you don’t have to worry the other kids don’t do drugs and neither do I.”
“Well that’s good son…I guess I’ll leave you to your homework.”
“Okay Dad.”

CHARLIE’S DAD EXITS THE ROOM AND THE FATE OF THE GERBILS BECOMES SEALED ONCE MORE…

“That was a close one kid, good thing your Dad is as naive as you are…hehe individualistic that was a good one. You been studying for your vocabulary test there Charlie?”
“Actually I have, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“Never mind, now hurry up with that gerbil crap then we can sneak downstairs and get us some of them Oreos.”

THIS EPISODE OF CHARLIE THE THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD POSER SATANIST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG FREE AMERICA. REMINDING YOU THAT YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE AND TO JUST SAY “NO.”

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