Charlie the 13 Year Old Poser Satanist Episode 4 Director’s Cut + Bonus

From what I can remember this episode was written well after the previous three. Yes even then the punctuated equilibrium style of posting was in full effect. For that year’s groundhog day I wrote a special story which I have just found again so I will post that right on top of episode 4. It turned into a companion piece for four. I also had a picture of a cute little groundhog wishing everyone a happy holiday and a rifle pointing at his head yes I was very disturbed high schooler. In the original text I wrote Army of Dead instead of Army of Darkness. Really the only thing that needs correcting other than changing let’s go to I’ll go.

Um..Yea that’s it…enjoy!

SQUEASHY THE MANIC DEPRESSIVE GROUNDHOG

In zoos all across the country, groundhogs are preparing for the one day of the year when they get their fifteen minutes of fame. The eyes of the nation are glued to these furry little rodent creatures on February 2nd. Why does everyone care about groundhogs on this particular date? One reason is that EVERYONE IS INSANE. Another reason is that people believe the groundhog and his shadow determine whether we have lots more winter or lots less winter. Nobody knows why people believe this baseless fact; they just know that on February 2nd the groundhogs are in control….

IN THE LOCAL ZOO SQUEASHY WATCHES THE NEWS…

“…In other news tomorrow is Groundhog Day, yes Groundhog Day. People all across the country will be gathering at local zoos to see if the cute little guy will see his shadow or not which will somehow affect the revolution of the earth and give us more or less winter…”

“HOLY SHIT GROUNDHOG DAY IS TOMORROW!!!!!! I Squeashy the cutest groundhog this pathetic town has ever seen MUST PREPARE…wait what am I excited for nobody ever comes to see me. I have no friends nobody loves me…but maybe this year will be different yes everyone will come for miles around to check if there’re gonna have more winter or not…but then again does anybody really believe in the power of the groundhog…?”

THE NEXT DAY SQUEAHSY’S ALARM CLOCK AWAKES HIM AS IT DOES EVERY MORNING AND HE PREPARES TO MEET HIS ADORING FANS OR CRUSHING DISAPPOINTEMENT…

“Crap almost time…I don’t even think I can go through with it…what if nobody comes to see me I’ll probably be so depressed I’ll be on my toilet with a shotgun in my mouth five minutes later…but what if they do come I can’t disappoint them…Ok I’ll do it I’ll go topside so the stupid stink people of this town will know what their fate is…”

SO SQUEASHY THE GROUNDHOG STUCK HIS NOSE OUT OF HIS HOLE…

“LOOK IT’S THE GROUNDHOG EVERYBODY GET READY HE’S COMIN OUT GET READY ON THE COUNT OF THREE…

SQUEASHY WAS ELATED THAT PEOPLE HAD COME TO SEE HIM. HE JUMPED OUT OF HIS HOLE READY TO RECEIVE HIS APPLAUSE AND THE RECOGNITION HE DESERVED…

“THERE HE IS READY AIM FIRE…”

WITH THAT POOR SQUEASHY WAS DRILLED WITH BUCKSHOT, MACHINEGUN ROUNDS, 9mm SLUGS AND MANY OTHER TYPES OF AMMUNITION. HOW WAS SQUEASHY SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THIS YEAR THERE WAS A NEW TRADITION THAT THIS YEAR NOBODY CARED ABOUT SHADOWS, THAT THIS YEAR ALL THE PEOPLE WANTED WAS BLOOD AND GROUNDHOG CHOPS…

Charlie the Thirteen-Year-Old Poser Satanist
Episode 4 – Night of the Kind-of Living Dead

Every once and a while, Seymour gets a bright idea, usually this means that Charlie has to hop on his bike and peddle somewhere he doesn’t really want to go. One time it was to the Seven Eleven on the bad side of town just because Seymour wanted a slurpee. Another time it was the morgue to see if the cadavers ever walk around at midnight. Then there was the time when Seymour decided that since the cadavers at the morgue don’t walk around at midnight it would be cool to make them…

“Hey kid what ya doing? Homework? Research paper that’s due in six months? Hmm? C’mon you can tell your old pal Seymour.”
“If you have to know Seymour I’m looking at cheap Valentine’s Day gifts on Ebay, it’s this Friday you know.”
“Hah, like anyone of those estrogen freaks would have anything to do with you.”
“Well you never know and you always tell me it’s good to be prepared.”
“Yeah yeah I know what I said I did say it after all…Hey I got an idea, while you’re on that there Ebay thing try searching for a book called the Necronomicon, doesn’t have to be the original, any edition will do.”
“Oh no not another idea Seymour last time you had me going to the morgue in the middle of the night, and isn’t that necro-whoozit the book from that Army of Darkness movie?”
“Yup that it is me boy and don’t worry if you don’t want to go back to the morgue I won’t make you.

Two days later the copy of the Necronomicon that Charlie had bought on Ebay arrived…

“Hey Charlie maybe you should get some sleep.”
“Why Seymour?”
“Cuz we’re hittin the morgue again tonight now that we got the book.”
“What? But you said I wouldn’t have to go back there.”
“Look do we have to go through this every time I suggest something? I mean all I’m tryin to do is make you into a good little Satanist so that you can have tons of friends, and this is the thanks I get.”
“Your right Seymour I’m sorry, I’ll go.”

After a two hour nap and five of Loco Paco’s Supremo Tacos later Charlie and Seymour arrive at the morgue…

“Well here we are Seymour now what?”
“Simple, pick a dead guy. Anybody would do but try to pick one who still got all his parts if you catch my drift.”

Charlie selected his “dead guy” who was once William Forest Van Husen the wealthy banker who used to live out in the outskirts of town…until he died that is…

“Ok kid now open up to the page I showed you and start reading.”
“Ok Seymour here goes.”

Charlie began to read the mystic words that were going to raise the late Mr. Van Husen from his slumber. There was just one problem, nothing was happening. Suddenly, something that appeared to be a semi-decomposed groundhog crashed through the window and landed at Charlie’s feet…

“AAAAAAHHH SEYMOUR WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?”
“Well Charlie it appears to be a semi-decomposed groundhog that has been reanimated by a bunch of mystic words…come to think of it he looks kind of like that groundhog that kooky farmer shot last Sunday when he didn’t like its forecast, remember, it sparked mass groundhog killings across the country.
“Holy crap I think you’re right Seymour.”
“Damnit that stupid Ebay vendor sold us the wrong book ours makes animal zombies not human ones.”
“Well what are we gonna do I mean we created him, don’t want some crazy revenge trip like out of that Shelley lady’s Frankenstein book.”
“Well if you’re gonna take him home I hope you know it’s a big responsibility and all that.”
“I know Seymour I’ll take good care of him; I think I’ll call him Frankie after that Frankenstein monster.”
“Ok well we should get going wouldn’t want anybody to find us here with an undead groundhog.”
“Yeah you’re right let’s go.

An hour and three special colonic cannon enchiladas, courtesy of Loco Paco, later Charlie and Seymour were back at his house…

“Hmm, let’s see he looks hungry I wonder what I could feed him.”
“Well zombies in the movies are cannibals maybe we can feed him some of our gerbils?”
“Okay sounds like an idea.”

With Frankie the zombie groundhog munching happily on a gerbil leg, and Charlie fast asleep after another hard day, we close this chapter in Charlie’s quest to be a good Satanist for all the wrong reasons.

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