Charlie the 13 Year Old Poser Satanist Episode 1 Director’s Cut

This is the first of what turned out to be quite a few of these episodes. I wrote this late in the summer of 2003. I remember feeling the need to write something and came up with a character and his skull friend. Yes it echoes Calvin and Hobbes and Squee, but I like to think I put my own spin on the classic boy with imaginary friend shtick. I remember writing a quick little character detail sheet with a girl who was a friend of a friend and who had recently moved down south somewhere. I also remember her not liking that not much of that original sheet made it into the first episode. I had written it very quickly with little to no forethought and figured I would let it all grow as organically as possible.

The way the writing process for the series went down is that an idea would pop into my head and it would grow until my brain hurt and I had to type it out. Very Zeus I would say. The stories underwent little to no revisions and I usually wrote them and posted them as quick as they came out. Rarely did it take more than an hour or two to go from idea to full episode. Odds are the quickness and lack of the standard revision process led to some inconsistencies here and there but I always thought that it lent a certain character and a unique feature to the episodes.

I will be posting them all steadily as the summer wears on editing and revising what is necessary but always posting the original unedited copy as well as whatever I can remember about the time I first wrote the episode.

So without any further ado here is…

Charlie the Thirteen-Year-Old Poser Satanist:
Episode 1 – A Walk Home from School

“Seymour how come nobody likes me, how come the other kids won’t let me hang out with them?”
“Well kid maybe it’s because you freak people out by carrying around a disembodied skull and talk to it.”
“But Seymour you said that if I carried you around with me everybody would think I was a hardcore Satanist and that they would all wanna be my friend.”
“I say a lot of things little man now pick up the pace tonight is taco night and you know I’m gonna want you to bring me up some of that.”
“Ok Seymour but do I really have to sacrifice the gerbils tonight? I mean I don’t like hurting the gerbils and they smell bad.”
“Listen kid you want to be a Satanist or not.”
“Of course I do Seymour but all the stuff you tell me to do just gets me weird looks from people.”

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE STREET…

“Hey look Mike there’s that freaky kid Charlie and his skull friend.”
“Hehehe yeah Charlie man that dude tries too hard to fit in don’t he Jay.”
“True dat dawg now let’s get back to my hizzy fo shizzy the Source Music Awards are on tonight.”
“Hey hold up man I gotta hike up my pants a bit I can barely walk when they’re this low.”
“Look man ya wanna be down then your pants gotta be down too ya dig?”
“Yeah yeah I got you…”

BACK OVER WITH CHARLIE…

“Hey look Seymour, there’s Mike and Jay. They’re always talking about how I’m a poser but look at them we live in friggen New Hampshire and they’re acting like they live in east L.A. I hate them I hate them so much.”
“So why don’t you do something about it if you hate them so much.”
“Nope they’ll punch my head I know it.”
“You know Charlie real Satanists aren’t afraid of bullies because they know that they have the almighty power of Lucifer behind them.”
“Hey you’re right Seymour I do have the power of Hell behind me I’m gonna go over there right now and tell them off.”

LATER THAT NIGHT AT THE PEDIATRICS EMERGENCY WARD…

“Why do I listen to you Seymour? All you do is get me in trouble.”
“Hey don’t blame me kid I’m just a schizophrenic delusion created by your intense need for companionship.”
“You talk funny sometimes Seymour but I still love you.”
*sigh*